Sunday, April 4, 2010

Red Light, Green Light

I thought it might help to sort out what about IVF I am and am not scared of. Something's gotta help soon, because I'm sick of waking up at 4:30. (Good news: I found a sliding-scale acupuncture clinic! Gonna call next week, for reals. We'll deal with what about acupuncture I am and am not afraid of another day....)

What I am scared of:

- Big needles. Dr. Baby Factory prefers to use progesterone in oil, but he said he’s okay with coochie bullets. So I don’t need to worry about that one (except for the part of me that’s like “but shouldn’t I use THE VERY BEST THING? WHY DON’T I WANT A BABY???”)

What I am not scared of:

- Small needles. I’m a tiny bit weirded out by the thought of the follistim injections, but not in an unmanagable way. I used to watch my dad give himself allergy shots. I think this is one of those times that being a doctors' kid helps — I don’t have the feeling that medical care is something that doesn’t happen at home, and I’m basically into science experiments. And if it gets that bad, I have a friend with a medical degree who’s already offered to give me the shots. (And if that doesn’t work out, I can always have her 2.5 year old daughter do it. That kid gives me “medicine” with my bbt thermometer every time she’s over, which is often. She has a great bedside manner — comforting but very firm.)

- That follistim and friends will make my ovaries hurt unbearably, given that Cysty Lefty hurts an awful lot of the time as it is. Oh well. I suppose childbearing is a weird goal if I’m interested in avoiding discomfort, huh?

- Two-week follicular phase. That sounds like a big improvement over my usual twenty-odd days. I can do anything for two weeks, right?

- Egg retrieval. That’s normal, right? How could I not be scared of giant needles in my vagina, right? And how the hell are they going to get around my big-ass cysts? (According to my dream life, I am also afraid of crazy infections that enlarge the lining surrounding my heart. Awake, I am afraid that the Terrible Metaphor part of my mind is taking over. IVF leads to heartache? Real original, brain. MFA in Writing = money well spent.)

- IVs. Dr. Baby Factory said he’d want to do my ER with anesthesia — and he thought I’d object! Ha! I’m a big wimp and am all for being knocked out. So I’m telling myself that all I will have to do on ER day is show up and get an IV. Everything that comes afterward…well, I’ll be down for the count. (I hope. Last time I had twilight anesthesia — when I had my wisdom teeth out — I woke up in the middle. On the bright side, I was still too blissed out to be bothered. I remember lying there thinking, “Oh, that crunching sound must mean they’re having to break my tooth to get it out. La la la!”)

- Not having any eggs/embryos. Dr. Baby Factory doesn’t think the no-egg thing is likely (since I had a bunch of follicles on the last scan), but really, I suppose there’s only one way to find out.

- Twins.

- Single Embryo Transfer. Dr. BF thinks this is a great idea for me, given my age and all the rest (like my fear of twins). He thinks it lowers my odds only a little bit, and since my insurance is paying….
But then again, my insurance company wouldn’t be the ones climbing back into the stirrups, not to mention dealing with the emotional fallout not getting pregnant. Okay, it turns out I am a little afraid of this. But I am more afraid of twins in our New York apartment and our loosey-goosey financial situation.

- Believing this is a sure thing; losing my mind if it doesn’t work, even if only on the first try.

- Never having a child. Always being the-adult-kids-love, with none of my own to sometimes love and sometimes loathe me. Again, only one way to find out.


  1. I like this breakdown. I haven't even started to think of IVF as a reality, although it is, and could be less than 6 months away. This is big help for sorting it out in the brain.

  2. Love the color coding. I share many of your fears, but I'm actually hoping for twins. We definitely want more than one kid and honestly, I just can't go through all of this again. I have no idea where we'd put two kids, but details details.

  3. I remember having many of the same fears with my first IVF. I hope that the big fears aren't too overwhelming.
    As far as the PIO you can still use small (although long) needles for that if you wanted to.

  4. My barmy logic says it's good to be afraid because normally the things you dread the most, are surprisingly not so bad. Don't you find?
    On that (slightly bonkers) basis, you'll be fine. You can do it, Bionic!

  5. This is an awesome breakdown. I laughed my ass off at coochie bullets, i call them bullets too minus the cooch though, cause i am proper like that, LOL!!!! The egg retrieval is a breeze, a breeze girl. You are out, you wake up and its all good. You may be a bit sore but should be fine next day, I always was. You will do great, focus on the greens girl this may just be it for you. Oh and twins, well you know how I feel about em, HAPPY as HECK!!!

  6. This pretty much sums up my fears....thank you! Well said.

  7. The PIOs are not so bad if you have someone you trust to give you the shots. It was always better for me that it was "back there somewhere" where I couldn't see what was happening. Yay for being completely knocked out! My doc also prescribed some X@an@x for the day of retrieval. Took 2 half an hour before-- I don't even remember getting the IV.

  8. I would so want to be knocked out myself. Conscious sedation scares the crap out of me. I gave plenty of it working in ICU, and not everyone is sufficiently knocked out with a dose of Versed. Eep!

  9. It's all really, really scary, huh?

    Before I started my first IVF cycle, I think I was kind of in denial. By that point, I had read countless blogs about the process, so right before it was time to start the meds, I still kind of felt like an outside observer. And then the needles came out. And it was very, very real. And I'm a ridonkulous needlephobe (for realz).

    But you know what? I got through alllllllll 43 shots and 5 blood draws and dildocam sessions in one piece. And the retrieval (aside from anxiety about getting an IV) was easy peasy. I was out like a light and then awake again before I knew what hit me. And even MY lazy ovaries somehow managed to make 4 eggs (so I think you should be fine).

    Honestly, I think the worst part about these cycles is the emotional aspect, which can't be controlled. But you're already a veteran in that realm (though I wish you weren't!).

    It's gonna be tough, but we'll all be here for you!

  10. Hey just found you via Looking for a Little Turtle comments. I will be adding you to my reader, but wanted to let you know that I go to BAP-- Sarah is fantastic! (I am sure the others are, too. I just happen to see her a lot.)

    Out of curiosity, are you going to Dr. K?