Friday, August 21, 2009

What I Think About When I'm Not Thinking About Peeing

Trick question. I'm never not thinking about peeing these days.

In the interest of getting my act together re: ovulation prior to introducing pricier ingredients, I've been dutifully sticking a thermometer up in my business despite my morning grogginess (invariably poking myself something fierce) and peeing in cups and on sticks like it's going out of style. Hooray for peeing on things!

Is peeing not the definition of a simple pleasure? Maybe it's conditioning left over from potty training that makes the the characteristic sounds of micturition flood my brain with "new train set" endorphins, or perhaps it's more ancient than that. Even my memories of wetting my pants in public -- shame spreading across the seat of my corduroys in front of everyone, the wetness turning cold as the door handle that was in my hand, the injustice of not having been allowed inside to the bathroom sooner, the ugliness of the strange pants I was told to change into -- contain, if I am being honest, a sighing undercurrent of satisfaction.

I always enjoy home science projects, and peeing on sticks sounded so easy, until I read the part about holding for four hours first. Four hours may not seem like much to you, but I'm a two-hour girl. Just am. Rare is the night that I'm not up once or twice, which is a lot more fun now that I don't live in a dorm. I have shamelessly irrigated the shoulders of our nation's interstate highway system, and my college students get "some time to work independently" during almost every class. (Yes, I know pregnancy will be insanity.) The last several days have been a delight.

If only I could be more like the woman in the OPK instructions! Sure, she seems to be missing an arm and the finer points of her anatomy are troublingly Barbie-esque, but look at her confidence! She appears to be practiced at standing(?) with one leg cocked, like a dog with a chemistry project. If I tried that, the pee would run right down my leg, but hers droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the stick beneath.

Split-stream = Twice Blest

I bet the pee-stick lady never forgets, three-and-a-half leg-crossed hours into the wait, and just hauls off and pees in the toilet like a normal person. I've done that twice this week. I bet she wouldn't have to radically dehydrate herself to avoid Monday afternoon's near-accident, in which I ran back to the house, the whites of my eyes turning yellow, an hour after foolishly taking in liquid. I bet her pee is still lightly yellow. (Mine looks like fancy beer.) I bet if she has to have blood drawn, as I did Wednesday, it doesn't just d.r.i.p. into the vial, because she isn't congealing from thirst.

After that blood draw, I wandered, dazed, back to Grand Central, where my lone functioning synapse demanded I find food and fluid before getting back on the subway. The food court was packed. Everyone was in a hurry. In the midst of it all, a miserable looking pit bull squatted on a ramp while a river proceeded from her and pooled on the concourse floor. From the look on her face, it was evident this was not territorial behavior. This was dire need. And I know just how she felt.


  1. This absoulutely has to be the funniest post EVER about pee. Ever.

  2. Why, thank you. There should be more posts about pee, in my opinion. Pee is funny stuff.

    Here's a good one, from one of my favorites:

  3. LOL...I read it and you're right; it's hilarious! I needed the laugh. I gave you guys some blog love today:

  4. Here from Kymberli's blog...and there always was something so annoying about the pee stick illustration woman. She makes everything look so easy. And who pees standing up?

    I'm hoping I can resist pee sticks this week myself. I will not think about peeing. I will not think about peeing. I will not......

  5. I almost peed my pants reading this.

    (For what it's worth, I'm normally a bit of a rule follower, but I never even tried to hold it for four hours. Two works great in my, sadly quite extensive, experience.)

  6. I cannot tell you how many times I've been DYING to pee and then did some kind of cross-legged sprint/gallop the bathroom, only to realize as the last two drops hit the later that... F*&K I forgot my stick! Thanks for the good laugh! You will be greatful for this practice the next time you have to pee in a cup. It's excellent training for that!

  7. it kinda looks like she's standing but leaning back against a bar stool (naked)

  8. Damn, you're right. She is missing an arm. What a funny post.

  9. This post made me laugh out loud. Funny stuff and pictures to boot!